The Surprise
The dark hallway lay before her. With every step she took the air around her grew colder. A whisper in her ear, a shiver on her neck. The dim lights cast an eerie glow as she approached room 107. The door creaked open as she walked up to an area enclosed by darkness. A shuffling sound emerged from the back of the room, fear forced her to stay planted on the ground. Suddenly, the lights flickered on and she was shocked to see all of her friends and family standing around her.
“Surprise!” They yelled in unison as confetti poured onto her.
I like the plot line of your story although, in the third sentence you say a whisper on her ear. When it should be a whisper in her ear.I also really like the plot twist at the end, and how you go from a dark scary place to a fun surprise party.
ReplyDeleteWow that was a great story ! The discription was great.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Tinker bell as I also like how you set the scene with a scary tone but it quickly changes to a happy surprise. Your beginning has many short sentences that create a choppy beginning I wonder you how you could combine some of your sentences and ideas to make more complex sentences. Also "A whisper in her ear, a shiver on her neck." is not a full sentence but it could be if combined with the previous sentence. Very strong descriptive words, keep it up.
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